the assassin's take

You Can't Be Serious

2009-08-28T08:42:00.017-05:00

I have not aired it out in a while so now is the time. If you don't like it...eat shit. This is one person's opinion of how the local road cyclists are behaving. One person who logged alot of miles with the same group a few years ago.

Predictably, the group has officially become a danger to themselves without even realizing it due to the way they are behaving on the road.

Let us begin.

The local yocal/elite/ hippity hop/shaved leg/holier-than-thou/roadie/tri group has experienced another near fatality recently. Actually almost multiple fatalities. The event happened in Baldwin County but close enough.

The details are sketchy and I haven't taken the time to seek out all of the details but some dude slams into 3 roadies a few days ago.

UNOFFICIAL LIST OF ACCUSATIONS AND INFORMATION

(taken from local roadie yahoo message boards)

dude was drunk

incident occurred at 8 or 9 in the morning

dude buzzed other cyclists before smashing into the 3 he actually hit.

dude refused roadside sobriety tests

some of the cyclists are airlifted from scene

dude is a Iraqi war vet

dude claims he fell asleep

word is the cyclist are doing o.k. now(that's good)

dude was arrested recently for public drunk

---------I HOPE YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING------------

The masses begin to form on the yahoo site. I can visualize it now. Like a small storm jetting across the late summer warm waters of the Atlantic.....building....building.....building....getting warmer....warmer...warmer....and BOOM!!!!!!!

1st post..."3 cyclist hit in baldwin co."

2nd post....we "hear alcohol is involved"(4 minutes later)

and then this nugget taken from the sound off section of the local paper

"this was taken from the press register blog after the 3 cyclist were hit by the dumb ass in the BMW:"

posted by heyitisme on 08/23/09 at 1:44PM

"I live on scenic 98 and I for one am gald (glad?) we have 3 less cyclists for awhile. These cyclists are a major annoyance, they ride down the middle of the road, they slow down traffic and are a general nuisance. There is a perfectly good bike path there for them, get off the road."

ouch

While I don't agree with the sound off, I think there is a message there.

I didn't count the number of responses and/or additional posts on this subject but i'd venture that close to 100 "authorities" had some sort of witty post on how the situation should be dealt with. With one guy giving the honest assessment that more could be done within the group to help themselves by following the rules of the road.

***********gasp************

Of course the response to that was predictable. Yeah, he was labeled as a sympathiser. How dare you take the side of the evil motorist. You bastard!

My point to all of this nonsense is as follows.

When I leave my house on the way to the gym, I get to experience the other side of this equation. I am the one that can't see the oncoming cyclists because they dont have any lights (front or rear) at 5 a.m. in the morning.(I am not kidding about this) I am the one that sits behind the dullards as they ride 3 abreast on a narrow two lane road. I am the one that gets the evil eye from the cyclists as I try to pass them on the narrow road exposing myself to danger while waiting patiently for them to decide if they want to get single file or not. I am the one that chuckles to myself when they blow thru every stop sign they run across.

So I figure it is up to the group themselves to figure out for the 10th year in a row if this is the year they are going to continue to break almost every rule of the book concerning bicycle laws. I mean, a little mutual respect goes a long way in these situations. How about a wave instead of flipping someone off. How about a smile instead of a yell when some poor smuck is trying to go around the group and has to hug the centerline because roadie boy won't peel off and get in a single file line for a few seconds to give motorists a chance to safely get around you.

What can it hurt?.....is it worth a try?.......

Statistically speaking, it is just a matter of time before a bunch of people get wiped out by a car.

The front of a group blows thru a stop sign and the people behind them follow because that is the way they have always done it. Dude in car is coming down the same road he has been coming down for years on the way to work, only today his phone rings, he looks down to answer it. He does not see the first six guys shoot thru the stop sign. He does see the next 5 but he cant stop....you know what happens next...........

THERE, I SAID IT

Ruby Red Lips and the Anticyclist

2009-07-02T09:40:00.006-05:00

It's been very lame-0 lately.....With the exception of an once a week spin thru the woods, the cycle has been sitting.

My biggest dilemma has been trying to decide which gas station still serves real gas as opposed to E10. E10 is a "no-no" for outboard engines in the long run....think water in fuel. Or the decision to feed my family the trout caught in the general vicinity of the Mobile Bay. There are more turds floating in the bay than cigarette buts. NASTY.

With the constant challenges from Ruby Red Lips, my time has been better served on the water. She is still ahead on the leader board but i'm still holding a few spots in reserve.

I did get the chance to fire the new weapon of choice. DA JUDGE (pictured above). Sumbitch shoots .410 shells AND 45 colts. A "must have" for carrying under the seat of yo ride.

I'LL BE DAMNED!

2009-06-05T10:45:00.002-05:00

Well, well, well..........

Abdul came through.

Bike shipped to Cali with the full security detail. Gps tracker on box, signature confirmation, fingerprint verification, and retinal scanner approved.

Glowing reviews......paypal released the cash......ain't life grand?

Obama and his speeches must be workin......everybody is showin the love

Ice cream eating champ???

2009-05-28T08:57:00.002-05:00

AHHHHHahahahahahahahah

The nasty rumor these days is that the local roadie group is being selective about who they are allowing to ride and not ride. Sounds like if you are 20 lbs. overweight....you are OUT......oh the humanity!!!!

Glad i'm down 15....only 5 more to go. I can't wait (or weight??)

Abdul in Cali

2009-05-20T14:14:00.006-05:00

I am by no means an authority on ebay. I have used the site for picking off various bits of goodness for the green machine and other oddball parts for various bikes over the years.

I have never had any significant problems (except for those people who seem to take forever to ship out items i've won, or having to live with the B.S. fees that ebay and paypal charge you).

I have sold a few bike related items. Among them a Seven complete road bike that went off without a hitch.

I did agree to take back a fly ass set of chris king MTB wheels that some douche won (for a crazy low price). When he got them he said the rear hub was tight. If you know anything about King hubs, you know it takes some miles to loosen the hubs up.

I decided to start getting rid of some of my old road equipment. First up was a scott cr-1 limited frame and fork. Very sano. I put a $400 reserve on it and let her rip. The usual conditions applied....no overseas shipping, no first time buyers with zero feed back, paypal only....blah...blah.

The first hr. the reserve is met.....the obligatory emails start coming..."how much to sell outright"......"how much to ship to Taiwan"....."will you sell without paypal".

At auctions end.....price gets to $785....not as much as the frame and fork is worth...but i'll take it. So I fire off a paypal invoice and nothing. Then I see the name of the winning bidder.....Armand Abdul from some place in California.

Flag #1 goes up.

He finally responds to the invoice and makes paypal payment. Then paypal informs me that payment will be held in internet "escrow" for 21 days for "buyer protection"

Flag #2 goes up.

WFT...."buyer protection"?...what about seller protection?????

So I send him an email to his gmail account to verify his paypal "confirmed" address. I just wanted some verification outside of the ebay private messenger system. He responds, but from a different email address.

Flag #3 goes up.

So I feel like I have enough ammo that if he tries to stiff me. I have his address, two email addy's, and paypal/ebay info.

I am fully prepared to jet out to Cali and stone his ass in front of his wife and kids at the local circle k if need be.

Somerville Express

2009-05-12T16:03:00.008-05:00

After about 2 months of waiting on this and screwing with that.....the green machine is in working order.

I have very minimal time on it to be frank. I honestly liked the geometry of the Lynskey and went round n' round with IF about duplicating the numbers. IF had some ideas about certain angles and I had ideas to contradict their numbers so some give and take was applied by both sides. It was an eye-opening experience and much more detailed than the custom fit experience I had with Seven. I let those bean counters talk me into a frame that flexed more than Wendy Whopper's bra and turned out to nothing more than a high dollar commuter.

That being said, the thing feels totally different than the Lynskey. It is waaaaaay stiffer. So much so that a fox f29'er is going on it.

Pushed of course.

I rode a pushed fork and it was incredible the difference felt over the stocker.

I had a WTB rocket saddle on it. I liked the rocket, incredibly cush, maybe too cush. So I am going to give the gobi a fair shake and see how it treats me bum. (ed. note....partial lap @ chickasabogue last night revealed that the wtb is going back on).

The I9/arch wheelz are the real deal. I really didn't believe the hype but after running the king/arch wheels and switching over to the I9's....they track better and offer way less flex. I make this statement because I was getting some rear tire rub with the kings and so far the I9's have been rock solid. I heard they are making road wheelz now.

I am having gearing issues still. The local terrain offers me a chance to push a slightly bigger gear (33/17), which is a taller gear than most use but I suspect Oak Mtn or something with more terrain fluctuation will force me to a 18 rear cog. We will see.

I have become a believer in ergon grips as well. They are one of those items that are heavier, uglier, etc.....but damn if they don't make riding better. No hand/wrist issues at all. Even running rigid.

More details to follow.

Pirate gone Public

2009-04-29T08:20:00.004-05:00

A month or two ago a few local "non-conformist outlaw cyclists" decided to start a once a week early morning ride. The honest purpose of this ride was to do a different route than the normal, daily 5:15 a.m. group ride that focuses on 2 or 3 different routes with no route adjustments allowed, constant bickering, participants with sketchy handling skillz and a general snake pit of personalities, attitudes, and mindless emails and forum group posts about absolute crap.

The "once a week" ride slowly evolved into a "twice a week" ride. But it was all good. The route was determined by majority vote (which at times meant 2 in favor).

It was PERFECT.

The only issue is/was, that some mornings there were not enough people present to have a majority vote. So in that case, the TWO people that showed just had to hash the route making decision out. But ALL GOOD nonetheless.

The concept was perfect for what it was intended for: smaller, safer, less stress, with a touch of sanity thrown in for good measure.

Then the unthinkable happened. The Pirate group got ID'ed by the regular group. An email or two later and couple of the pirate group participants decided to join back up with the regular group.

Ahhhhh....bummer. It was good while it lasted.

So it's back in the woods for the couple of times a week MTB ride where the only thing you have to deal with is a mouthful of spiderwebs and possums and rabbits dancing at your pedals.

The new WHIP

2009-04-21T07:59:00.003-05:00

Check out the new whip.......custom paint on the TREK.....WAAAAYYY better than yellow.

straight bars................................check

mirrors.........................................check

zipp 808's.....................................check

toe clips........................................check

book rack......................................check

bike lock.......................................check

euro bar tape...............................check

white saddle................................check

4" of spacers under the stem....check

pro tour domination..................next

International greeting

2009-03-17T07:52:00.006-05:00

Against my better judgment, a few of us decided to make the trek down to Dauphin Island this weekend OTB (on the bike).

I made this journey a few years ago OTB and swore i'd never do it again. While the ride itself is relatively tame....the roads are narrow and 80% of the vehicles are pulling boats behind them. Which makes for close quarters on the road shoulders.

Almost immediately, one in the group got squeezed off the road onto the grass...which pissed me off. We trudged on. Then I had a evinrude outboard about 7" from my face. Which pissed me off.

I then hatched my plan.

When I could hear a car coming...I paused and just gave them the finger...more specifically, a slight raise of the left arm, with the middle finger extended.

Now I bet you are thinking that would be the worst thing a cyclist could do. Yeah, yeah......kill em with kindness and all that shit.

I disagree.

I truley think that the international we're #1 salute sends a clear and precise message. More particularly, it makes the bozo behind the wheel think.

Now I will be honest...Most of them honked at us or flipped us off....but they DID give us more room. Which is all I really wanted anyway.

So the next time you are feeling somewhat crowded on the road.....try flipping everyone off....it worked for us!

Offseason Training didn't take

2009-03-11T08:45:00.003-05:00

Harsh reality set in this morning.

I have been dabbling around on the road bike the last few weeks. Mostly solo to avoid the numerous pitfalls of the local 5:15 a.m. daily circle jerk. I need not explain the numerous issues that go with that.....you can search the archives.

A surprisingly small number of folks showed up this morning for what has been, in the past, the largest group ride day of the week. Coulda been the fog.....dunno.

Anyway...I structured a new plan during the off season that I figured would put me in top form for the early spring/early morning rides.

Marlboro red's--an assload of high dollar scotch--fully leaded Budweiser (not lite)--PRESCRIPTION lortab--lots of sushi and fried stuff--beef jerky out the ass--bunch of starchy stuff for lunch throughout the winter--the list is endless.....but all the things that your rhr skyrocket.

So I was set.......I even installed some trashy,white, europoon bartape....NICE

Perhaps my greatest idea was to put a piece of black tape over the computer display. Hell, I do better when I don't know if I'm going 18 or 26 mph. It really was/is an amazing idea.

The ride was actually uneventful and although I did my usual duckout/shortcut I still felt like shit when I got home. Which is kinda what I expected.

Funny thing is.....I only recognized about 4 people....so there is definitely some new dudes rolling around....but still lots of tri geeks and aero bars and t-shirts and dueling local club kits and complete lack of sanity....so I felt pretty comfy.

I don't know how long I will honestly be able to tolerate all of the tomfoolery on the road....cuz the 29'er is still where it's at....but damn if I can ever get my shit together enough to ride the dirt at night.....seems like I'm always busy with drinkin and smokin and eatin and trippin and elevatin my rhr.

Taken from "Dickipedia.org"

2009-03-04T09:37:00.002-06:00

Lance Armstrong
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks

Lance Armstrong (born Lance Edward Gunderson on September 18, 1971) is a retired road racing cyclist, cancer survivor, self-aggrandizer, and a dick.
It has been said that some men are born dicks while others have dickishness thrust upon them. Lance Armstrong falls into the second camp. An indisputably talented athlete with a solid work ethic and positive attitude, he is nonetheless insufferably self-content. This is demonstrated by his six-figure public-appearance fee and penchant for issuing vomitously trite motivational sound bites like “a boo is a lot louder than a cheer” and “pain is temporary, but if you quit it lasts forever.”
Contents[hide]
1 Early Life
2 Racing
3 Doping
4 Cancering
5 Personal Life
6 Post-Cycling
7 Matthew McConaughey
if (window.showTocToggle) { var tocShowText = "show"; var tocHideText = "hide"; showTocToggle(); }
[edit]
Early Life
Lance Armstrong began his dick time trials as Lance Edward Gunderson, son of Linda Gayle Mooneyham and Eddie Charles Gunderson. The two named him, for some reason, after Lance Rentzel, a middling Dallas Cowboys wide receiver best known for indecently exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl. Lance took the last name Armstrong from one of the three more husbands his mother would go on to have, astutely recognizing that he’d get a lot further in life as an Armstrong than a Gunderson.
Armstrong also goes by the nickname Mellow Johnny, adapted from “Maille Jaune,” which is French for “I use the fact that I had cancer as an excuse for doing things like taking steroids and divorcing my wife so I could nail an Olsen twin.”
[edit]
Racing
Lance Armstrong is best known for winning the Tour de France a record seven consecutive times, leading many to consider him the world’s greatest cyclist. This is a dubious distinction, considering that cycling is arguably the world’s gayest sport, evinced by the vast quantity of Spandex and the fact that so many French people love it.
To some, Armstrong’s performance in the Alps stages of the race is an incredible physical feat, on par with Indian guru Sri Chinmoy who used to lift airplanes with his penis. To detractors, it is little more than the product of continuous training, also on par with Indian guru Sri Chinmoy who used to lift airplanes with his penis.
Nevertheless, Lance Armstrong is credited with revolutionizing the sport, most notably in bringing together a wide array of sponsors to fund, train, and outfit himself. Armstrong was a pioneer in taking this NASCAR-esque approach to bike racing, only without the alcoholism and confederate flag bikinis.
In addition to rigorous training, Lance Armstrong owes his success to several outside factors, including a higher lung capacity than the average person, a 30% larger heart, and much lower levels of lactate in his blood. Also, steroids. Some critics have even gone so far as to theorize that testicular cancer actually helped him win the Tour de France, a charge based on the phenomenon that eunuchs are more aerodynamic.
Lance Armstrong officially retired from racing on July 24, 2005, at the end of the Tour de France, coincidentally just minutes before the nurse showed up to test his blood.
[edit]
Doping
Throughout his career, Lance Armstrong has continually denied using performance-enhancing drugs, an obvious indication that he has. Armstrong claims to be the “most tested athlete in the world,” having withstood various courtroom trials, official examinations, and reports by teammates, with no clear evidence of doping ever found. Many wonder why Roger Clemens never asked for consultation.
In 2005, responding to calls from the International Olympic Committee and the World Anti-Doping Agency, UCI, the world governing body of cycling, appointed Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman to conduct an independent study of Armstrong’s urine tests. He, too, found nothing, marking the first time a Dutchman was unable to find dope.
[edit]
Cancering
Like fellow dick Rudy Giuliani, Lance Armstrong is a noted survivor of “man-part carcinoma.” He has since become the public face of cancer of the balls.
Armstrong’s treatment included brain and testicular surgery, extensive chemotherapy, and even more extensive self-promotion, most notably in the form of “Livestrong” bracelets. Thanks to him, half of all Americans are still walking around with ridiculous yellow rubber bands around their wrists. (In Armstrong’s defense, would you wear a bracelet that said “Liveunderson”?)
[edit]
Personal Life
Lance Armstrong married Kristin Richard in 1998. After bearing him three children, caring for them while he spent up to half a year, every year, training in Spain, and then supporting him through major illness and recovery, Armstrong rewarded his wife by dumping her for singer-songwriter Cheryl Crow. He subsequently broke off his engagement to Ms. Crow after she was diagnosed with cancer. That, apparently, was too much of a downer for him.
In October 2007, he began dating Mary Kate Olsen. Or was it Ashley Olsen? No, it was Mary Kate. Whichever one it was, for a brief period, Armstrong was putting it to an anorexic ex-child star more than half his age. Not bad for a guy with one ball.
[edit]
Post-Cycling
Since retirement, Lance Armstrong has focused his efforts on the Lance Armstrong Foundation and other interests, such as admiring his dimples in the mirror and going on talk shows wearing a sport coat/T-shirt combo.
Lance Armstrong also ran the New York City Marathon, making him the second high-profile dick to do so after P. Diddy in 2003.
Armstrong has even publicly contemplated entering politics. On more than one occasion, he has hinted at possibly running for governor of Texas, for which he is obviously well qualified via his high school GED and a life experience limited almost entirely to riding a bike, getting chemo, and appearing in Us Weekly.
[edit]
Matthew McConaughey
By the way, he hangs out with Matthew McConaughey. All the time. They go jogging together, shirtless.
Dickipedia.org Home (all entries)
Retrieved from "http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Lance_Armstrong"

TDC Podium Girlz are dope

2009-02-24T13:03:00.003-06:00

With the exception of some of the Giro girlz......I'd be gettin my form on early........

ode to gimme dat

2009-02-04T07:51:00.003-06:00

I immediately thought of the infamous gimmedatbike when I was given a heads up on this little ditty...................................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3hhKVxOkSE

ROCK ON BRO

gettin ready to.......

2009-01-30T08:13:00.010-06:00

OK....having not turned a pedal in 6 weeks has diminished my desire to keep MA updated.

Then euro/AL/Herring boy wanna be.....poon starts saying he has all these training hours in riding his trainer/mobile mega loop/or whatever bullshit he can dream up.

So I figured I need to post something before someone actually starts to believe his ass. (which is doubtful)

THEN I get word that Gimme Dat won some sort of time trail. While I question the validity of that......I'll give him props (at least he HAS been riding) (against who is a different question)

According to sources in Maryland...the green machine is due for a landing next week. I'm gonna start off rigid and see how it goes.

Since I neglected to get my "base" miles in.....I figure i'll be able to finish two laps at the 'bouge by about july......sweet!

I got a call about two weeks ago to participate in a fat tire ride with forecast temps of 22 degrees. When I had the balls to ask "why"? The answer was, and I quote...."because all the pussies riding road bikes wouldn't think of it and how cool would it be to say that you have done it?" I immediately took another swig of my kids prescription cough medicine and lit up a fatty.

Oh well.

I'll try to post later when the green machine starts going together and I get my bail out check for da govment......

Nuff Said

2009-01-06T16:44:00.004-06:00

Bama got smoked in New Orleans.......so did I. Not everyday you run across 2 bottles of 25 year old Macallan's.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do right?

Uncle Leon's bio

2008-11-26T09:21:00.019-06:00

I had a few comments on my last post about Uncle Leon that were too dicey to be posted in the comment section. Many of the comments were directed towards Uncle Leon's sexual preference and one was directed towards what Uncle Leon would do to some of the "housewives of Spring Hill".

While the comments were well written and superbly accurate. Some were directed at "real people". In trying to follow policy here, I could not release those comments for public viewing. The comments were however, interesting and most probably accurate.

I can assure you that Uncle Leon is very real.

Someone asked IF Uncle Leon would be willing to relocate for a possible job opportunity? My honest opinion is that Leon is not employable. He might show up for a while, but Leon tends to march to his own beat.

Uncle Leon has done a stretch or three for various reasons. A couple of DUI's. And night hunting. He got pulled over for an illegal exhaust on his truck and the cops found some illegal substances in his ride.

At one point years ago Leon claimed that Evil Knievel was training him to be a daredevil. Of course, now that Evil endo'ed into the great snake-pit jump in the sky, training was cancelled.

Uncle Leon likes women. He loves cougar's. He considers himself to be somewhat of an authority on pleasing women. He is one of those guys that would try duke your wife is given the right circumstances.

He DOES have a mullet. He has had it as long as I can remember. He IS proud of it. He thinks people without mullet's put themselves at a disadvantage when attracting cougar's.

Uncle Leon has an odd way of inspiring people though. He is one of those guys that can talk you into doing things that you know you shouldn't be doing. Like this. And this.

I was looking forward to catching up with Uncle Leon on Thanksgiving and seeing what he has been up to. But Uncle Leon was strangely absent. I couldn't get much info as to his whereabouts.

I had to wait until the everyone was well lubricated to get the scoop. Word is Uncle Leon had recently been spending time on the outskirts of D-town immersing himself in the underground world of high stakes horseshoe tournaments. I remember hearing about this when I was a kid. Horseshoe throwin' in D-town is alot like these dogfighting circles you hear about. Lots of shady dudes and questionable conduct being exhibited.

So i'll do my best to track down Leon and keep you peeps updated.

Thanksgiving in D-town

2008-11-24T14:24:00.005-06:00

Thought this picture from last Thanksgiving sums it up perfectly.

That's my grandmother spitting out her dentures after thinking the warm Pabst BR she just shotgunned was her diet sprite. I tried to tell her.

That is my uncle Leon with the elvis comb back giving me the evil eye. He is still trying to comprehend why Auntie Dot (in the fly-ass orange jumpsuit) is drinking Gibley's gin (straight) at 8:30 in the morning.

Uncle Leon likes diesel trucks and kine bud. He IS NOT currently employed. I think, however, he DID vote for Obama. He says the new President told him not to worry about paying on his mortgage anymore. That it would be all taken care of.

Thanksgiving is going to kick azz this year.

A flurry of thoughts

2008-11-20T13:21:00.014-06:00

Riding mountain bikes in the cold is SO MUCH more fun than roadbikes in the cold....riding in the cold sucks when you forget full finger gloves....helmet mounted lights get heavy as hell after an hour or so of riding in the woods....selling bikes parts on bike forums is so much nicer (and easier) than having to give up a percentage to flea-bay....roadies have no problemo paying a premium for quality-used-road bike fluff....i had forgotten how much fun the buying process is when building a custom bike....custom paint on titanium is FUCKING EXPENSIVE....chris king now makes a GREEN bottom bracket that is a MUST HAVE....GREEN is my new favorite color....did you know that chris king makes a GREEN headset....I hear Somerville is nice this time of year....2 new bike shops have opened in the area, and YOU thought the economy was bad....sometimes less is more....I bet northeast kansas has record low temps in two weeks....or record high temps....I am not paying $40 for peanut oil to fry a turkey in next week....a bottle of 33 yr old Balvenie lives in southeast AL....if that is true, the deer are safe the morning after Thanksgiving....Harlan ain't scared....Dat Bike and Poon are scared....me thinks his new team made him stop blogging....nothing ever changes....nothing

JACKED

2008-11-17T13:32:00.011-06:00

I can say this. I've got a WHOLE LOT more respect for the guys that run fully rigid these days.

I did a slightly longer than normal excursion, on a substantially rougher loop this past weekend.

Legs felt decent.

Lungs felt bad as usual.

What I didn't expect was the pounding I took. I have been more concerned with the lack of rear suspension and how that hammers my silly putty back.

What I came away with was how much more beat up my arms and shoulders were. To be honest, I have been running more tire pressure since my burp...buck...bang...bust ass session from a few weeks ago.

Oddly my back has been okay. Can't say why. Hopefully saddle time has helped.

So now I am wondering if I should slap a squish fork in TI-t-ss. I really hate to do this because the loop I rode this weekend had lots of ups and you can really grunt up those pitches quickly without suspension bob.

On the other hand, for a 6 or 12 hour event, I'm thinking that more plush over time trumps more speed at the cost of comfort.

Nice video

2008-11-07T16:33:00.003-06:00

Check this out.

It is at the very end of the video but start paying attention at about the 8:14 mark.

http://vimeo.com/2070975

OWWWWWW.........

Turning man into machines

2008-11-04T10:50:00.000-06:00

Is anyone else concerned about the way people communicate with each other these days?

Remember when people actually used home phones? Hell my own mother got rid of her home phone a year ago. Just uses her cell phone these days.

With the advent of the internet came e-mail. I, of course resisted e-mail in the work environment until someone convinced me that e-mail was secure and that Abdul across the street at the pack-n-sack was not reviewing my prices for the next big job.

Now you have myspace, facebook, and other various online messaging platforms to make it easier than ever to communicate with your peeps.

Of course now that text messaging has been with us for awhile, it is another form of anti-face to face communication.

While texting is convienient to let someone know you might be late at the trailhead or for letting your buddy know that his beloved Auburn team sux ballz.

Having said that, holding conversations while texting is a moronic way to exist.

I had a realtor try to negotiate a deal for me while texting. I've pulled some stupid ass moves in my day but if i'm shellin out major coin to buy some land, for god sakes CALL me......ok?

When reviewing my daughters cell phone bill I was NOT amazed to see that she had a total of 9 calls where she actually talked. I won't tell you how many text messages she performed.

I am the only person that get's annoyed when you go out to dinner and people sit there texting back and forth while trying to eat?

Hell, I know one person who argue's with you via texting. I got chewed out while driving down the road and I didn't SAY a word. It was the damnedest thing I had ever seen (or heard or read?).

So the next time you decide to to text sugarpants and let her know how much you miss her......try sacking up and calling......maybe she won't think your such a douchebag.

FIRE SALE

2008-10-24T09:49:00.000-05:00

I have been on a freaking roll lately selling stuff.

I've ditched two mountain bike frames, a fox suspension fork, a set of crossmax mtb wheels, a set mtb wheels with king hubs, a 3 generations old grouppo of xtr stuff. Some of that thru flea-bay and some of it thru various online forums, some carbon bits and USED tires have gone recently as well. I have way too many old mtb tires but you wouldn't believe that some of the old shit brings more than the new shit from all the old school mtb retro grouches.

Next Next up, a custom Parlee Z3C frame and fork!

I won't tell you how much I paid for that bitch. And I haven't figured out how much I want for it yet. I bet it does not have 500 miles on it. It's bad when you buy a bike that is too nice to ride.

But you can rest assured that no roadie boob around here wants it. They all want madones and tarmacs. Hot shit I tell ya. Just ask Dat Bike.

You may ask yourself what the assassin is going to do with all this coin????

I want a Regulator 32, my wife wants a sailboat, i want a new rifle (time to stock up on weapons and ammo,so i've been told), wife wants a new sofa, i want a new big phat 52" tv, honey buns wants new carpet.......and on.

Which leads me to wants vs. needs.

I don't need any of the crap I just mentioned. With the robust economy we are in right now it probably ain't the right time to be buying that big ticket item.

I didn't need the lot "we" just bought. Too late now! I'm hoping land will hold value better than my IRA but I just read where home value's are at a 5 year low......sweet.

I also didn't need the custom ti funky bend bars that I ordered last week, but I ordered them anyway.

The way I have it figured, the capital gain taxes are about to go thru the ROOF!

BURP!

2008-10-21T08:51:00.000-05:00

Stan's sealant is a great thing.

Or so I thought.

As my wife likes to say of me, you always try to push things beyond what they were designed to do.

I probably should have know better than to push a product that was designed in the basement of the science building beyond what reasonable people would call enough.

I have been constantly lowering the air pressure of the big, cushy WTB's, in an effort to find the holy grail of bike handling perfection. To spare those who don't understand the physics of it all, I have softened the tire pressure to the point of making the bike feel like it has minimal suspension. It is a fine line because too much pressure lost blows the handling of the bike and makes turning sloppy, and/or slows rolling resistance.

Too much pressure and you might as well run tubes and take the weight hit.

I have narrowed the range of psi perfection down to somewhere between 18 and 22 psi based on the dynamics of the trail that I happen to be testing on.

At 18psi, a rooty trail becomes pretty smooth but I can feel the rear tire pinching on the rim. Of course, without a tube to hassle with it, snakebites are not an issue. It IS however slightly unnerving to feel it when it happens.

On a smoother layout....22 or more psi is the feel good/more efficient zone.

I should have left well enough alone.

But hell no...I decided to drop it down to 15 psi in the front. I knew right away that was toooooo low. But i kept going. Fast forward to a slight dip to compress the front enough to allow that bitch to burp, catch enough debris between tire and rim to eliminate any chance of resealing quickly, throw a slight high speed turn immediately following the burp.....and INSTANT AUGER. This all happened in about .5 of a second. I'mm talking about busted my AZZZZZZ.

To make matters worse, the first thing that hits the ground is my medically repaired elbow.

I have heard that you need to replace/redo the sealant procedure ocassionally. I am not sure how often though.

Does anyone know?

Another local team?????

2008-10-17T10:42:00.000-05:00

I was caught off guard this week.

Seriously.

In my recent quest to just ride the bike...I have become anti affiliated with anything that resembles a "team" of cyclists (other than someone who offers up a post ride brew).

Then I hear some dudes rumbling about another local cycling organization/club/team/yahoo group/blah blah blah.

It's the same start up talk too....let's get jerseys, do a race, have a team, do a website, etc.

Off the top of my head I can think of 5 or 6 local "teams" that populate Mobile and Baldwin counties. Each of these teams have their pro's and con's.

I, for one, am going to pass on it though.

Any more feelings of righteous indignation by local groups and all that goes with it will likely send me off on a killing spree of epic proportions.

A 29er primer

2008-10-16T08:40:00.000-05:00

A few observations after 200 or so miles with Ti-t-SS. (in rambling style)

...ALWAYS take the outside line to keep big MO up...STAND UP every one in a while (a 26" full sus bike will make you very lazy)...you ain't beating me up a SHORT, steep incline with your bike if you have suspension...going against conventional wisdom, go with shorter cranks and wider bars (yeah I know, longer cranks give you more leverage....bullshit)...keep pedaling, even when you think you don't need to...inner tubes are worthless in 29" wheels, stan's em' and take advantage of the larger tire contact area...run a smaller gear than you think you'll need...get some handlebars with a fucked up bend, they'll make you faster...Don't ride in the dark by yourself, I have seen bigfoot twice in the woods(or a methhead) and i'm still recovering...don't wear your roadie club jersey in the woods, you look and act like a douche...don't let dat bike work on your shit...oh yeah, drink Pabst Blue Ribbon, it tastes great, AND it makes you faster.

I miss big Eddie

2008-10-13T14:11:00.000-05:00

Man I miss big Eddie. Someone called me the other day and asked if big Eddie was in jail, out of jail, or what.

I have not heard where big E is......most likely in some swanky federal lockup somewhere running some kind of scam. I bet he has a sweet gig for sure.

My 5 year old wants to be spiderman for halloween AGAIN. I think I am going to dress him up like big Ed.

Quote of the year

2008-10-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

"Not drinking is the Single Speed World Championships version of doping"

--Jackie Phelan

zombies

2008-10-09T08:46:00.000-05:00

"People as individuals, I like them, but as a crowd they are like a monster without a head that can be prodded in any direction" ~ Charles Chaplin in Limelight

You hear of it constantly.

Some of the most enlightening and entertaining moments of my day are reading up on the musings of cyclists.

It used to be about the bike. Now it is about the group that rides the bike.

How fast....how far....how much....how long and how can we disagree???

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I busted my ass the other day in the woods, riding by myself. JRA...well almost.

The cause???....bunny-hopping laydown on TI-t-SS......didn't come close to clearing it either.

It was great. Laying on the ground moaning like a douchebag. I could only laugh at myself.

HOLY SHEEET

2008-10-01T14:24:00.001-05:00

This is the cover girl on the latest Colorado Cyclist catalogue.

She is sprinkled throughout the pages and to be honest, she inspires me.

I'm married and all but this chicka has it going on. Serious eye-candy.

I bet a dollar to a burrito she could drop anyone who reads the piece of shit blog.

Cause you KNOW she rides.

DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN

CROCK RACING

2008-09-30T08:37:00.000-05:00

Check it out....a $220 jersey.....want one?????

Someone must be trying to fund a new blood transfusion machine that will fit in the back of the escalade.

If I see you wearing one, be prepared to defend yourself.

TI-t-ss report

2008-09-29T09:46:00.001-05:00

TI-t-SS and I made 3 laps at South this weekend for the initial shakedown. Close to 30 miles total.

Set-up as follows....33 x 19 gear (I know, didn't feel like changing to an 18, ......sue me)

I left the meaty 2.5 wtb tire on the front to soften her up. Pressure at 25 on both ends.

This frame has a lot shorter wheelbase than the vassago. So it moves around quicker. Especially going up. Rear tire sticks.

I'd guess this thing weighs 20 lbs. Maybe less. It's a noticeably lighter feeling bike underneath you.

I won't go into the over hyped "titanium ride quality thing". If you have ridden a ti frame on a roadbike you know what I mean. They feel different. Ti road frames feel mushy to me. Comfy, but mushy.

I had a feeling that a Ti mtb frame would feel soft as well. I was wrong. Wrong in a good way. I was surprised at the suppleness but that could be the big 2.5 front tire. The frame tracked exactly where it was supposed to and without any surprises. It definitely stuck better in loose over, flat turns. It held up well to out of saddle efforts, ie. no wheel rub or disc rub.

It might be the perfect 12 or 24 hr. solo type machine. If I actually commit to doing an endurance event I might put a squish fork on it but i'll have to see how it feels with 2.25 racing ralph's on both ends. They could change the "stiffness" factor quite a bit.

But all in all.....a nice change from other 29'er frame. They are completely different clown bikes.

Steel might be real....but TI-t-SS taste better.

Meet TI-t-SS

2008-09-23T14:31:00.001-05:00

My long term plan was to take my time and build up a dope-ass titanium ss/29'er.

It takes a while to compile said dope ass components (via ebay) due to the surging popularity of the ss/29'er scene.

While I have been fairly successful in sniping a few obligatory parts, some have been hard to come by.

I caught the white industries ss cranks and missed the right colored sprocket.....blah, blah, blah.

But it was no big deal because I knew I had a few more weeks of downtime due to my supposedly healing arm. I figured I had time to round up the required pimp parts.

The other day I get a call and the confederate era doctor wants to do ANOTHER surgery this coming Monday.

FUCKING MONDAY.

So I made a business decision to put the bike together and at least try to ride this weekend cuz doc says multiple weeks in a cast we be required after this surgery.

So TI-t-SS is built. TI-t-SS will get on the dirt at some point this weekend. It might be a while till she gets out of the stable again.

So, meet TI-t-SS

rigid....again?????

2008-09-23T07:51:00.000-05:00

I am at the crossroads again.

I still have a yet to be determined release date from doc johnson on when I can actually pedal a bike again.....he said "might be a week, might be a month."

In anticipation of that loosely worded promise from him, I have been giving alot of thought to how the new whip will be set up.

My last foray into the single speed (ss) big wheel (29'er) world WAS fully rigid. The obvious benefit to that set up was climbing efficiency. Problem is/was a few things.

1. There ain't alot of sustained climbing around here.

2. I don't plan on racing so who cares about efficiency.

3. I'm 40 and it might be time to think about comfort over speed.

4. I suck at climbing....but I can catch on descents.

5. To me, front suspension isn't near as critical as rear suspension to my
achey breaky back and constant ass pounding.

SO what to do????

1. 29'er wheels have built in suspension due to the large volume tires..right? That should make it feel as if some suspension were present....

Slap a thud buster seatpost on....eehhh.....nevermind.

Quit being a pussy and deal with it.

Buy a new frame...yeah....a TITANIUM FRAME.....YEAH....cuz ti rides like a shimmed, velvet lined cooter......

Fuck it.....i'm gettin a new frame......anybody want a deal on an 07 vassago jabberwocky, 16" with a custom black powdercoat job????

DEEZ NUTZ

2008-09-22T17:22:00.000-05:00

Just so we are clear.

I am leaving the older ramblings up so the independent thinkers can survey them and draw their own conclusions as to what this blog is about.

I intend on moving this literary masterpiece in a different direction.

For the record, I am a SMART ASS.

I WILL write things that SOME won’t like at all.

If you feel compelled to get mad and want to fight about it. So be it. I ain’t fucking scared, not one fucking bit.

I have a lot to lose but I ain’t loosing sleep over some local douchebag that does not agree with what I write about on MY piece of shit blog.

And it will be a piece of shit blog…so go ahead and say it.

I will do my best to keep the comments as un-moderated as possible. JUST DON’T CALL OUT ANYBODY BY THEIR NAME. Unless they did something good.

I ain’t interested in any fucked up, local road bike politics.

I don’t ride road bikes anymore for a variety of reasons such as: roadies in Mobile cry more than my 5 year old after an ass whuppin', the roadies can't agree on shit, a bunch of people have been hit and several killed. And mother fuckin motorists in Mobile, AL can’t drive.

I prefer the serenity and vibe of the off road scene anyway.

So if you don’t like it…..STOP NOW

oN tHe HoRiZoN

2008-09-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about cranking this bitch up again. I think enough time has passed (i.e. I have not ridden my road bike in a year) that I owe it to all the TAKERS out there to hit the resume button.

Hittin' the road

2007-09-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

It's been fun while it lasted.

While I have not accomplished much during these blogging adventures, I have managed to stir the pot quite a bit. The local cycling community has been exposed for what it truly is........a melting pot of ***********'s. I'll leave it blank for all the insightful type's to fill in.

My last entry was about 2 local cyclists who were killed by a drunk driver. A serious issue no doubt.

In an effort to leave the comments un-moderated, those pesky anonymous posters fired off about something that upset someone and the whole post turned into a crying game that, in my opinion, took away from the true meaning of the entry. That meaning was to expose the dangers we fellow cyclist in Mobile encounter.

I really liked the "anonymous" comments. Hell, I left comments about the assassin up because I can handle it. I took off the personal comments directed at the individuals whom I knew could not handle it.

But some of the annonymous guys can't seem to grasp the concept of the whole thing. In the end they start their usual crying and knee jerking and it just takes away from the whole experience. When you try to contact them on a personal basis to hug it out, they clam up and run for the woods.

A realistic view of their true character.

Which brings us to the quandry of do you moderate the comments or leave them un-moderated? You really can't do both and keep it real.

So what to do?

In the words of the bankrupt farmer.....sell them cows and turn in the keys.

And to all you crying posters who can't handle it..........put your man suit back on and step up for god sakes.

Opportunity Knocks!

2007-08-30T09:48:00.000-05:00

I have been sitting on this post for several weeks now. I PROMISE I have.

I will be the first to admit that due to all of the "non-important" issues that I have been posting about recently, I have forgotten about a post I started weeks ago.

Then some annonyomous DOUCHEBAG questions the assassin's sexual preference. They must have forgotten that the assassin is the definition of cougar bait.

Great

Just Great

I now present to you a post that was started several weeks ago.

.....................................................................................................................................

what happened to all the señoras?????

It's a sad time in Mobile.

Seemingly all the local ladies have decided to stop riding in the mornings.

Back in the day.....we would average 3 or 4 "honey's" on our daily rides.

We'd have big one's....little one's....fast one's....slow one's....hot chickas....not-so-hot chickas....nice milf types....nubile college types....hard-core racer types....social ride only types....we had every demo covered.

Man, it was great.

Then something happened.

Now we are lucky to pull one.

Of course I'd imagine with all the squirrel bag, circus clowns we have riding now.....it's probably better that they don't show up. Can't really say I blame them.

But it was fun to ride with the girls.

You could always motor up to them and chat. And they always provided insights on the ride that the hairy backs, t-shirts and tri-geeks didn't think about.

So ladies......we miss ya......come see us.

AS REQUESTED

2007-08-29T09:53:00.001-05:00

Dear MA,

You definitely need to comment on the need for a ban on the shorty(**** ******* style) shorty shorts in your next issue. There was a guy wearing some gay looking shorts this morning that made ***** blush. Also the tshirts continue to make unannounced sudden lane changes that cause my HRM to spike.

OK....here is the deal....the above request was sent to me from an un-named source who raises a legitimate concern. The names of the guilty parties have been removed to protect those who MAY be feeling guilty about this rather horrific breach of cycling etiquette.

There are a few steadfast rules that apply to ALL group rides. I won't rehash the obvious "rules" of group riding.

But one thing is FOR CERTAIN. There is a rule concerning acceptable cycling shorts length. That rule is that the bottom of your shorts should be within a "few" inches of your knee.

An easier way to state it.... your shorts should end closer to your knees than your nutz. We have a few repeat offenders of this rule and we are not going to take it anymore.

At times the tri-geeks show up in shorty shorts and while this is completely un-nerving to most, I have found that the tri-geeks go against the grain anyway. To be fair, we have tri-geeks who also comply with the shorts length rule.

Of course the women can wear any length shorts they desire.....in fact, the shorter the better.

CRAZY FROM THE HEAT

2007-08-21T15:40:00.001-05:00

I swear the cyclists in town have gone mad.

People getting ALL pissed off at everything.

In the last couple of weeks we have gone from a quaint little tight-knit group of respectful cyclists to a kamikaze group of two wheel terrors.

I mean we have groups going at each other........ people not showing up for rides because they think others will be there........guys that ride treks not showing up on some days cuz the guys that ride cannondales show up.......groups starting new rides cuz one ride is too fast.....factions starting new rides because they don't like what someone wrote in their silly blog.....the tri-geeks don't want to ride with the racer heads......the girls don't want to ride with the boys.......singlespeed dudes don't want to ride with the multi geared guys.......and on and on.

Hell, the assassin has been accused of it as well. But I have extended the olive branch to the offended party and offered my soul as sacrifice. Done strictly as a gesture of goodwill for all things cycling.

It seems to happen a couple of times a year. Like gang warfare or something. The crips get pissed at the bloods and then they start talking about killin' one another.

SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM???

I think I have uncovered the catalyst:

1. Cyclists are by nature......crybabies.

Simply put, we have to defend our right to ride on the same roads as cars. Which in turn puts ALL cyclists on the defensive ALL the time. In our area specifically, cyclist get no respect from motorists. On every ride some jackass in a car will get too close, yell, or do some other moronic thing to create peril for cyclists. I think that in turn pits the cyclist against each other in some form or fashion.

People just don't have time for that kind of shit and they don't want to hear it.

So here is my advice. Guaranteed to be commented on by all the commenter's who have the funky little names.

Grow a backbone.....leave your sensitivity at home cuz the world is NOT against you.....strap on your helmet.....put on your jersey (any jersey).....AND RIDE BABY RIDE.....

public service announcement......this is one persons opinion....this blog IS NOT directed at ANY particular group......it represents a comment on the general condition of the local peleton and is in no way an indictment of anyone.....if you don't like it or if it offends you in any way......simply don't read it

Refresher for the T-shirts

2007-08-21T07:48:00.000-05:00

Know it, learn it, live it:

Road cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They’ll say anything to soften you up for the kill.

Don’t let this happen to you.

Study this handy rider’s phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:

“I’m out of shape.”
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven’t missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

“I’m not into competition. I’m just riding to stay in shape.”
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post and spray energy drink in your eyes.

“I’m on my beater bike.”
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

“It’s not that hilly.”
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you’ll fall over backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here’s the name of my knee surgeon.

“You’re doing great, honey.”
Translation: Yo, lard azz, I’d like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter decorating and eating chocolate. I should married that cute Cat 1 racer when I had the chance.

“This is a no-drop ride.”
Translation: I’ll need an article of your clothing for the search and rescue dogs.

“It’s not that far.”
Translation: Bring your passport.

"Do you wear underwear under those tight shorts?"

Translation: Only if you want to be the subject of someones blog.

Source: Elvis

A WELCOME REALITY CHECK

2007-08-15T08:13:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhhh....justice was served today.

And I'm all giddy about it.

Seems the ORIGINAL cat. 1 local superstud decided to show up and toy with the peleton today.

I'm somewhat sketchy on the history of this dude but he supposedly used to live in town and moved away to press his wares in france. (purposely not capitalized mind you)

Anyway, the local racerboy misfits were all worked up in a lather upon the news of his arrival. Our seasoned veterans were clamoring around like 3rd graders before an Easter egg hunt.

The tri geeks were decked out with their sleeveless tri tops and the racerboy's were sporting their deep section wheels. Classic stuff.

Sure enough, out of the parking lot, the local royalty hits the front surrounding Larry the Legend like he was in yellow entering Paris.

Everyone was seen pointing out potholes and barking "car back". And this shit NEVER happens during a normal ride.

The paceline was running smoothly and pace was kept high enough to keep the t-shirts dangling at the back where they were not too much of a threat.

It was a beautiful thing.

As we approached and stayed at the 27 mph mark, the group began stretching out. As I peeled off I last saw a couple of the tri-geeks buried in their aero-bars keeping it steady, racerheads in the drops with their gameface on.........while the legend was effortlessly spinning along.

I'm not sure of the exact outcome at the finish of the ride but rumor has it that Larry Legend dropped em' all on the last hill.

Way to go bro.........see ya next year.

SHOCKER

2007-08-10T10:29:00.001-05:00

Word is....Disco is out....Disco is dead....

Cycling News Flash for August 10, 2007
Discovery disbands
Tailwind Sports confirms team's end
By Laura Weislo
Tailwind Sports has announced the end of the Discovery Channel Pro Cycling Team today, confirming rumours that cropped up when the team failed to announce a new sponsor after winning the Tour de France. The team was given notice that the Discovery Channel would not renew its sponsorship back in February, leading to a long and intensive search for a replacement sponsor.

So are you telling me that LANCE can't get on the horn and hustle up some sponsors? He can't co-sponsor them himself? Or does he want to distance himself from something?

HMMMMMMMMM.........WHY WOULD LANCE WANT TO STEER CLEAR OF THE TEAM THAT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR "HELPING" HIM WRAP UP 7 IN A ROW?

I mean it is not like they don't have the defending tdf champ(for now) and the 3rd place guy on the roster now. What about master tactician (wink,wink) Bruyneel? We're not talking about a bunch of cat. 3 hacks and masters class wannabee's.

Hey Johan, I think Rabobank needs a DS.

This whole thing smells like a half-pint basque shitbag.

People pulling out left and right.

And just wait for the Floyd deal to come out. He is going down too.
He will be riding huffy's in the downtown Peoria summer crit series next year. Huffing around on fumes mumbling about his "fairness fund".

Better sell your Trek stock, 08 sales just went down the shitter.

ON BEING A GIVER

2007-08-09T08:15:00.001-05:00

Everyone likes to win. Everyone likes to be spared from the wind. Very few people can ride at the front the entire ride. (at least around these parts)

Problem is, most folks are TAKERS, not GIVERS.

Take Chris Horner for example. Classic example of a giver. He pulls Cadel all over France and when the timing is right, Cadel TAKES from Horner. Of course Horner is paid to give. But that doesn't make it right. Horner is arguably the the strongest domestic pedaler of the bike. He possesses a strong motor. He has also paid his dues. He has been involved in most of the failed domestic pro teams. Teams that have folded without paying the riders. That kind of shit. But Horner still gives.

Point being.......we have too many takers around here. TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

You know the kind I am talking about. Types that always complain, bitch, moan about everything. The kind that will gladly drink all your beer, eat all your food, talk about you behind your back, borrow your shit and not give it back. TAKE,TAKE,TAKE.

Another example.....dude sits in at the back all day and gets pulled around town in the group ride. Then when it comes time to sprint up the last hill at the end of the ride.....dude comes alive and jets up the hill. Then has the balls to post something after the ride complaining about how slow the ride was and how shitty everyone rides. TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

The kind of guy who will gladly use you up and then have the nerve to bitch about it. Not just on the bike either. He runs around thinking he has IT. He is IT.

God forbid you are riding alone with him and YOU happen to have a flat. He won't stop.

If HE has a flat, he will gladly TAKE your last tube. Cuz he is too lazy to bring his own stuff. He would also ask you to change it. TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

Another taker move.

Dude goes into the LBS to "try" on a new pair of cycling shoes. Dude makes sure he i.d.'s the right size and then bolts. The following week dude has a shiny new pair of shoes. But he bought them from Nashbar with his 50% off coupon. And then he expects LBS to "get right on" a problem he has with his freehub body the next day. TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

To be fair......we do have givers. Not many, but a few. Guys (or gals) that will gladly give you an extra water bottle if you forget yours. Or at the mid-way regroup point give you a buck to buy some ice cream or preperation h if so desired. So my hats is off to all the GIVERS.

We need a few more like ya!

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN

2007-08-07T08:46:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhhh.......don't ya just love the dog days of summer?

In our parts......as the kids get ready to go back to school and the temps still hover around 95 degrees at dusk......the t-shirts and the skinsuits start getting a hair testy.

I wish I had the space in this blog to copy and paste the remarks dedicated to what the "authorities" had to say about "fixing" all the problems with our group rides.

Suffice to say.....it'll give you boils on the ass.....bad.

I'll break it down for you in a nutshell:

"why was the ride so fast this morning....man we were going 28mph out of the parking lot.....the t-shirts were letting gaps open up all over the place....dude on the mtn. bike was only going 16mph....i thought tuesdays were the fast days....why won't they just let the fred go off the front if he wants to ride so hard every day....look at all the treks....how come no one ever say's "car back anymore"....check out dude in the purple helmet....where has ralph been lately, is he still in jail?....if he is going to ride with us he needs a better light....check out dude in the retro postal kit....think how hot she would be if she had some bolt-on's....attention everyone, there will be a group ride etiquette seminar at the lbs on wed. night (seriously)....this is how we did it bitd....hey, lets start a new ride on fri....hey, lets start a new TEAM so we can all ride together....i hear bill is doing jacks wife, canubelieveit??....dude, i think steve is doping, he NEVER goes up university hill that fast"......

Get the picture?

If I were a beginning cyclist and I were exposed to this kind of adolescent bs it would take me about 3 rides to pick another hobby like golf or rockclimbing.

And the ironic thing is some of the chief instigators are reasonably intelligent people. On the surface anyway.

You should see the debate that occurs when someone suggests a new route to get the existing ride on some fresh pavement or to get around some detour. Most would prefer Bin Laden rewrite the constitution. Or claim that lance doped. (gasp)

So the next time someone shows up at your local ride with and ipod.....ride over and give em a kiss.....you could be here.

MASS HYSTERIA

2007-08-06T15:31:00.000-05:00

Seems like it is currently en vogue for the local bloggers to rail against the local cycling scene.

If someone from outside the area were to spend a week or two and catch every group ride they would see an interesting group of rides and riders.

At the end of those two weeks they would gladly go home and count themselves lucky to: (A) survive Mobile cycling unharmed (B) not be an alcoholic (C) be back home amongst the normal

Yeah....I know....every town has their
idiosyncratic cycling groups.....right??????

During your 2 week visit you would encounter a 50+ rider turnout at the local AAB Saturday ride. Then you would experience the 4-5 rider (recently) semi-regionally famous Rooster Ride every Tuesday at 5:15 A.M.

Mixed between the two you will find no-drop rides....you will be dropped rides....hilly rides....flat rides......rides with single speed guys......rides with tri-geeks....rides with hot chicks....rides with no chicks......rides with felons......rides with cops.....rides with posers.....rides with state champions......rides with t-shirts.....rides with pro tour jerseys.......you name it, we got it.

That being said....there is one constant........get ready for some complaining. Complaining after EVERY ride.

Some people complain during the ride......some after the ride......and then it spreads though each "group's" online forum. Where everyone posts an opinion. Then everyone has to comment on the others opinion.

But alas, each late fall early winter the vicious cycle ends.

By then the racers who continually push the pace ALL year long have gotten tired of finishing in the bottom 10 of EVERY race because their legs have been fried for a couple of MONTHS.

The t-shirts and rec riders are tired of it all and just don't like to ride when it gets cold.

So everyone just hangs it up for a month or so.

Come early spring the racers and the t-shirts strap it on again.

The racers do great for the first few races cuz they ramp it up straight from the beginning. The t-shirts start bitching cuz the pace is so strong. Group rides stretch out for miles. Racers are running 28mph in January and the t-shirts are running 15mph.

So come on down and get a taste of the scene. I'll have the vodka and beer waiting cuz you'll need it.

DAMN........I'M HARD

2007-08-03T09:44:00.000-05:00

from http://www.velonews.com/
CSC joins wristband-wagonTeam CSC has joined the wristband bandwagon this year, but it sports an interesting slogan that isn't raising money for a charity or some do-good organization.Instead, the letters across the black plastic wristband underscore the team's philosophy in this year's Tour: "Harden the Fuck Up.""Stuart (O'Grady) brought them for the team in London and asked everyone to wear them," said Team CSC rider Frank Schleck. "If it's tough, we look at the wristband and we do what it says. When it gets hard, you harden up. So far it's worked pretty good."

Wonder if O'Grady was wearing that band when he tried to sever his torso in half in the TDF????

STOP IT ALREADY

2007-08-01T13:56:00.000-05:00

TOOL

TOOLBOX

I will forgo the easy mark that is/was the "scandal" of the 2007 TDF.
You can read plenty about that elsewhere.

Let us not forget that the frenchies still suck.

I mean the TDF is a spectacle all into itself but i'd wager that if ALL the french riders were allowed to dope.......they would still figure out a way to ass it up.
I can see it now.......all the frenchies are bulldozing to a 1, 2, 3 finish in Paris and a french farmer lets his cow step out in front of the leaders as they enter the Champs-Elysees....taking them all out.

I can appreciate all the dedication and effort that goes into racing in the TDF. Hell, my hat is off to the guys that finish it.
But I am unable to tolerate French riders, events organizers, fans, nor inhabitants of the country anymore.
After the disaster that was the 2007 Tour De France, I propose that some other country (Spain or Germany for example) just take the damn TDF from the french and continue to run it all over France. Possibly have an obligatory stage or two in Spain and throw Belgium a bone or two.
Think about it. The Tour De France presented by Spain co-sponsored by Volkswagon and run in France.
Hey France......maybe next year.

WHINING BITCHES

2007-07-26T08:35:00.000-05:00

Predictor-Lotto to sue Vino and Astana

The Predictor-Lotto ProTour team is planning on filing a claim against Alexandre Vinokourov and his Astana team for loss of publicity. The Kazakh rider won the Stage 13 time trial before testing positive for blood doping, taking away victory from Predictor-Lotto's Cadel Evans who finished second on the stage and currently holds second on general classification. If Vinokourov is found guilty and disqualified from the race, Evans will be declared the winner of the stage, however will obviously have missed the publicity benefits associated with a stage victory in the prestigious race.

Source: Cycling News

So Cadel's team is going to SUE Vino and Astana huh?

Answer me this........

How in the hell are you going to sue a team funded by the Kazakh government?

Oh....and the Kazakh's like goats.....

Because animal husbandry was central to the Kazaks' traditional lifestyle, most of their nomadic practices and customs relate in some way to livestock. Traditional curses and blessings invoked disease or fecundity among animals, and good manners required that a person ask first about the health of a man's livestock when greeting him and only afterward inquire about the human aspects of his life.

Source: From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

And I don't think the Kazakh goat farmers nor their government would be exactly flush with cash. So I wouldn't piss them off.

As for Vino.......good luck even locating him.......he'll be in Afghanistan fluffing the Taliban in a few days.

Another chump bites the dust

2007-07-24T13:40:00.000-05:00

"It's always dopage, dopage, dopage in the newspapers. It never stops. You think they would learn their lesson."
---Astana's Vinokourov
Source: Velonews 7-9-07

I am not going to say much about this other than he won't be the last in this tdf to get busted.

Great quote from Millar.........David Millar was the first rider to react to the news: "Jesus Christ - there you go, that's my quote," he blurted out. "What timing, huh? This is just fucking great."

and

"The irony here is that I was hoping to make an announcement today about my future plans," Millar said, likely referring to rumors that next year he will ride for Slipstream Sports, the strict anti-doping squad run by Jonathan Vaughters.
"I have some projects in the works. I am hoping to work with young riders, to show them that you don't have to dope to succeed."
Millar broke down into tears when he was asked by British journalist Jeremy Whittle if he was all right, saying, "I just feel like crying right now."

Yeah.......right........NEXT

Hey...ya'll have any french toast left????

2007-07-23T10:10:00.001-05:00

Wonder what these cats are looking for?

MY GOD.....someone help this man

2007-07-19T14:47:00.000-05:00

No....this is NOT Nicole Ritchey after a month long H bender.

This is the TDF leader.

This is the CHICKEN.

And the Chicken ain't looking so good.

Apparently this poor chap is putting in such massive efforts during the daily stages that he goes to sleep as soon as his team gets to the hotel...... and his teammates forget to wake him up for dinner.

If anyone knows the director sportif for Rabobank.....you need to call him and tell him to feed the chicken.

A SIDENOTE..........hmmmmmmm
(maybe the chicken is feeding himself)

Tour de France leader Michael Rasmussen has been axed from the Danish national team and told he will not take part in either the world championships or the Olympics following a drugs-testing row, it was announced on Thursday.
The director of the Danish Cycling Union (DCU) Jesper Worre told DR1 television station that Rasmussen had received a number of warnings about failing to inform doping authorities of his whereabouts during training.
“We consider this case with great seriousness, and the executive of the DCU decided that Michael will no longer be part of the national team and he was informed of this on June 26,” said Worre.
“The DCU is not saying that Michael tested positive. But there are question marks over his behavior and attitude.”
Source: velonews.com

I rode with the Disco team

2007-07-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

Not the most flattering picture of me but when you get a chance to ride with the Disco boys.....you gotta let the world know.

(click on the link for footage)

ROCK ON!

http://www.discodreamride.com/1184852054-a7f38

Controlling The Ride......Iron Curtain Style

2007-07-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago.....while on sabbatical from the Mobile cycling scene.....the assassin and his scotch connoisseur buddies decided to experience another regionally renowned "group ride."

Without naming exactly "who's" ride we participated in (cuz this blogger has been advised by his legal team to keep his posts PURELY FICTIONAL). I will let cha know "where" this ride took place.

The ride was in the beautiful Destin, FL area......and riding in that area always brings a smile to the face. Nice scenery, little elevation change, motorists who seem to respect cyclists, all in all a refreshing change from the fast paced, idiot filled scene in Mobile.

But........with all the great things that come with riding in this area....evil lurks.

The table was set early.

Before the ride started, the ride "leader" assembled the group of 20 or so cyclists into a semi-circular pattern in the parking lot and began his diatribe. The "leader" waxed on...and on... and on... about the "rules" of the ride. No passing, only he or one of his lieutenants would pull at the front, stay behind the person in front of you for the entire ride, etc., etc., etc.

Think David Koresh speaking to the Branch Davidians..........seriously

This all took place after I "had" to sign a release to participate in this group ride........I shit you not.

I was beginning to think that all of this was some kind of cruel hoax that my riding partner had set up ahead of time to try to get inside my head.

But dude was dead ass for real.

A few miles into the ride there was very little chatter among the group. We were riding at a pace that would encourage plenty of friendly banter. But no one said much.

At this point I was thinking I should put in a short solo effort to shake things up in the front of the peleton but just as I was dropping down to the 11 tooth rear cog to start my wind up, I see the "leader" dropping back along the single paceline.

So I put my lead-out on hold and waited to see what's up.

After another few minutes of prodding along at 17 mph I decide to stretch my back. To the uninitiated, taking your hands off the bars and sitting upright might be a daunting task, but for seasoned vets like the guys I roll with it's no biggie.......right?

Uhhhhh.......WRONG.

Unbeknownst to me, Mister ride leader was behind me watching me pull off this gansta move.

Suddenly I hear a tapping noise but I was unsure where it was coming from. Keep in mind that I am still pedaling with my hands removed from the bars. Again I hear this tapping noise. Again I am unsure where it is coming from. Then I hear Mr. ride leader proclaim, "I am not going to tell you again" as he rides up to me. Turns out Mr. ride leader was tapping his handlebars at me in some crude attempt to get me to rejoin my hands to the bars. Of course I don't see him when he is doing this tapping and only realize what he is talking about when he tells me to "stop riding like that or go to the back of the line."

And this guy is not joking. So I mouth off something like , "dude.....are you saying I can't stretch my back?" But this tool is on his way to patrol the front of the group so he doesn't say anything else.

Of course I am thinking that this is all some kind of joke so I turned to my buddy behind me and he seems genuinely miffed as well. So the only thing I can gather from all of this is the guy was as serious as a case of crabs in kindergarten.

I should have known. All signs pointed to a dysfunctional ride from the very beginning.

So, the next time you are in Destin and find yourself in the middle of a group ride where 90% of the participants are wearing the same shops kits and are riding either cannondale's or orbea's...........you have officially entered the twilight zone.

You have been warned.

Moron's on the Move

2007-07-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

I could pen a novel about some of the local cyclists who have not a clue about how to ride in a group.

In all honesty….most of the time when you politely point out that a cyclist is dumbing up the peleton with bat-shit stupid moves, the guilty party will get the hint and stop.

Unfortunately, we have a local cyclist who has been pulling the same moves for years. And continues to do so on an almost daily basis.

The moves in question?????
Ripping down the 30 mph downhill start of the group ride in the oncoming traffic lane……..
Trying to hang on the front when the pace gets fresh…creating a huge gap……….
Finishes his pull and drifts back so slow he screws the double pace line up………
Or when finishing his pull he drifts into oncoming traffic…..
Riding the brakes, squirreling out, shitty handling skillz, basically a moron on wheels…..
Darting in and out of a paceline like he is a former world champ….

So you may ask, why don’t you just say something to him??????

Good question……and the answer is…..we’ve been saying something to him for 5 or 6 years……that’s right…….YEARS!

This guys has been cussed at more than the Nick Saban welcoming committee in Baton Rouge.…..and I’m talking about DURING the ride!

His stock response you may ask? “Oh….ok…..my bad.”

But it does not work. So, I am asking, what would YOU do about it??????? Inquiring minds want to know.

Until next time......muerte de arriba

Dude.......JUST DON'T DO IT

2007-07-11T11:32:00.000-05:00

As I was serving Beluga to the t-shirts this morning (translated....spraying chunks of my Vittoria Pave EVO CG tubular tires in sizes that resemble the popular caviar) and dropping them faster than the faculty reduction at Bishop State, I noticed something that alarmed me greatly.

I can think of no other sport as rich in tradition as cycling. Yeah....technology has it's place in cycling as everyone likes the latest titanium do-dads and/or carbon bits to bling out their ride. I'm down with that aspect. It is give and take in my opinion.

But DON'T ride up to me in white/silver/green/red/blue shorts/bibs without a BLACK front panel.

I am not interested in your sausage smuggling.

I will question your manhood. And don't tell me you don't like black because it's too hot. Black keeps the boyz warm and toasty, even in the summer. If you don't wear black up front, you are a cancer to the peleton and should be served up buffet style to whatever you consider un-holy.

I don't not want to see your bits....period.....if you want to wear that gear, take up male gymnastics.

Until next time......muerte de arriba

carnage on the trail

2007-07-11T07:59:00.000-05:00

I suppose it happens from time to time.

As the rapidly increasing local pelton reached roughly 40 riders today (tdf inspired...of course) we had a surface sample take place.

Unbelievably, the accident was not caused by some rabid wanker who refuses to honor the steadfast rules of the peleton ( i will address that issue in a later blog).

It unfolded like this.....as the peleton motored along at a reasonable 20-21 mph pace I hear, "glass"....."hubcap" (hubcap??)....."BRICK". Yeah I said brick. As I motor by I see the brick and point to the brick. Then the surreal sound that makes your rectum pucker....... BLAM...like a water ballon hitting a weed eater. Dude on the tarmac, and it sounded bad. So bad in fact I hesitated to go back and check on the poor dude.

After a few minutes of discussion and figuring out who to blame......cuz we roll like that.....It was determined that it was just one of those crazy things that happen. Dude survived and remounted his steed.....some road rash and a busted computer....but otherwise no worse for wear.

The rest of the ride was incident free (except the the normal wankers that half wheel and yo-yo).....but non eventful none the less.

Until next time......muerte de arriba

2007-07-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

wtf.....30 mph on friggin Monday's?????

Ok...a little background here.....Mondays are historically a "bleed the toxins off your liver" day. You know, a leisurely spin downtown and back...nothing very serious.
Until McEwen jr. and his funky bunch show up and blows the ride up OUT OF THE FRIGGIN PARKING LOT!

I mean come on.....rocket boy goes off the front and then the rest of the merry mates start bobbin and weaving behind him like they were in the ring with Mike Tyson when he wore black socks. I thought Tues. mornings were created for that kind of spunk spurtin'.

O well.....i guess tour time brings out the yahoo's who think they can roll 24/7 like Boonen and Rasmussen.