You Can't Be Serious

I have not aired it out in a while so now is the time. If you don't like it...eat shit. This is one person's opinion of how the local road cyclists are behaving. One person who logged alot of miles with the same group a few years ago.

Predictably, the group has officially become a danger to themselves without even realizing it due to the way they are behaving on the road.

Let us begin.

The local yocal/elite/ hippity hop/shaved leg/holier-than-thou/roadie/tri group has experienced another near fatality recently. Actually almost multiple fatalities. The event happened in Baldwin County but close enough.

The details are sketchy and I haven't taken the time to seek out all of the details but some dude slams into 3 roadies a few days ago.

UNOFFICIAL LIST OF ACCUSATIONS AND INFORMATION

(taken from local roadie yahoo message boards)

dude was drunk

incident occurred at 8 or 9 in the morning

dude buzzed other cyclists before smashing into the 3 he actually hit.

dude refused roadside sobriety tests

some of the cyclists are airlifted from scene

dude is a Iraqi war vet

dude claims he fell asleep

word is the cyclist are doing o.k. now(that's good)

dude was arrested recently for public drunk

---------I HOPE YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING------------

The masses begin to form on the yahoo site. I can visualize it now. Like a small storm jetting across the late summer warm waters of the Atlantic.....building....building.....building....getting warmer....warmer...warmer....and BOOM!!!!!!!

1st post..."3 cyclist hit in baldwin co."

2nd post....we "hear alcohol is involved"(4 minutes later)

and then this nugget taken from the sound off section of the local paper

"this was taken from the press register blog after the 3 cyclist were hit by the dumb ass in the BMW:"

posted by heyitisme on 08/23/09 at 1:44PM

"I live on scenic 98 and I for one am gald (glad?) we have 3 less cyclists for awhile. These cyclists are a major annoyance, they ride down the middle of the road, they slow down traffic and are a general nuisance. There is a perfectly good bike path there for them, get off the road."

ouch

While I don't agree with the sound off, I think there is a message there.

I didn't count the number of responses and/or additional posts on this subject but i'd venture that close to 100 "authorities" had some sort of witty post on how the situation should be dealt with. With one guy giving the honest assessment that more could be done within the group to help themselves by following the rules of the road.

***********gasp************

Of course the response to that was predictable. Yeah, he was labeled as a sympathiser. How dare you take the side of the evil motorist. You bastard!

My point to all of this nonsense is as follows.

When I leave my house on the way to the gym, I get to experience the other side of this equation. I am the one that can't see the oncoming cyclists because they dont have any lights (front or rear) at 5 a.m. in the morning.(I am not kidding about this) I am the one that sits behind the dullards as they ride 3 abreast on a narrow two lane road. I am the one that gets the evil eye from the cyclists as I try to pass them on the narrow road exposing myself to danger while waiting patiently for them to decide if they want to get single file or not. I am the one that chuckles to myself when they blow thru every stop sign they run across.

So I figure it is up to the group themselves to figure out for the 10th year in a row if this is the year they are going to continue to break almost every rule of the book concerning bicycle laws. I mean, a little mutual respect goes a long way in these situations. How about a wave instead of flipping someone off. How about a smile instead of a yell when some poor smuck is trying to go around the group and has to hug the centerline because roadie boy won't peel off and get in a single file line for a few seconds to give motorists a chance to safely get around you.

What can it hurt?.....is it worth a try?.......

Statistically speaking, it is just a matter of time before a bunch of people get wiped out by a car.

The front of a group blows thru a stop sign and the people behind them follow because that is the way they have always done it. Dude in car is coming down the same road he has been coming down for years on the way to work, only today his phone rings, he looks down to answer it. He does not see the first six guys shoot thru the stop sign. He does see the next 5 but he cant stop....you know what happens next...........

THERE, I SAID IT

Ruby Red Lips and the Anticyclist

It's been very lame-0 lately.....With the exception of an once a week spin thru the woods, the cycle has been sitting.

My biggest dilemma has been trying to decide which gas station still serves real gas as opposed to E10. E10 is a "no-no" for outboard engines in the long run....think water in fuel. Or the decision to feed my family the trout caught in the general vicinity of the Mobile Bay. There are more turds floating in the bay than cigarette buts. NASTY.

With the constant challenges from Ruby Red Lips, my time has been better served on the water. She is still ahead on the leader board but i'm still holding a few spots in reserve.

I did get the chance to fire the new weapon of choice. DA JUDGE (pictured above). Sumbitch shoots .410 shells AND 45 colts. A "must have" for carrying under the seat of yo ride.

I'LL BE DAMNED!

Well, well, well..........



Abdul came through.



Bike shipped to Cali with the full security detail. Gps tracker on box, signature confirmation, fingerprint verification, and retinal scanner approved.



Glowing reviews......paypal released the cash......ain't life grand?



Obama and his speeches must be workin......everybody is showin the love

Ice cream eating champ???

AHHHHHahahahahahahahah

The nasty rumor these days is that the local roadie group is being selective about who they are allowing to ride and not ride. Sounds like if you are 20 lbs. overweight....you are OUT......oh the humanity!!!!

Glad i'm down 15....only 5 more to go. I can't wait (or weight??)

Abdul in Cali

I am by no means an authority on ebay. I have used the site for picking off various bits of goodness for the green machine and other oddball parts for various bikes over the years.

I have never had any significant problems (except for those people who seem to take forever to ship out items i've won, or having to live with the B.S. fees that ebay and paypal charge you).

I have sold a few bike related items. Among them a Seven complete road bike that went off without a hitch.

I did agree to take back a fly ass set of chris king MTB wheels that some douche won (for a crazy low price). When he got them he said the rear hub was tight. If you know anything about King hubs, you know it takes some miles to loosen the hubs up.

I decided to start getting rid of some of my old road equipment. First up was a scott cr-1 limited frame and fork. Very sano. I put a $400 reserve on it and let her rip. The usual conditions applied....no overseas shipping, no first time buyers with zero feed back, paypal only....blah...blah.

The first hr. the reserve is met.....the obligatory emails start coming..."how much to sell outright"......"how much to ship to Taiwan"....."will you sell without paypal".

At auctions end.....price gets to $785....not as much as the frame and fork is worth...but i'll take it. So I fire off a paypal invoice and nothing. Then I see the name of the winning bidder.....Armand Abdul from some place in California.

Flag #1 goes up.

He finally responds to the invoice and makes paypal payment. Then paypal informs me that payment will be held in internet "escrow" for 21 days for "buyer protection"

Flag #2 goes up.

WFT...."buyer protection"?...what about seller protection?????

So I send him an email to his gmail account to verify his paypal "confirmed" address. I just wanted some verification outside of the ebay private messenger system. He responds, but from a different email address.

Flag #3 goes up.

So I feel like I have enough ammo that if he tries to stiff me. I have his address, two email addy's, and paypal/ebay info.

I am fully prepared to jet out to Cali and stone his ass in front of his wife and kids at the local circle k if need be.

Somerville Express

After about 2 months of waiting on this and screwing with that.....the green machine is in working order.



I have very minimal time on it to be frank. I honestly liked the geometry of the Lynskey and went round n' round with IF about duplicating the numbers. IF had some ideas about certain angles and I had ideas to contradict their numbers so some give and take was applied by both sides. It was an eye-opening experience and much more detailed than the custom fit experience I had with Seven. I let those bean counters talk me into a frame that flexed more than Wendy Whopper's bra and turned out to nothing more than a high dollar commuter.



That being said, the thing feels totally different than the Lynskey. It is waaaaaay stiffer. So much so that a fox f29'er is going on it.

Pushed of course.



I rode a pushed fork and it was incredible the difference felt over the stocker.



I had a WTB rocket saddle on it. I liked the rocket, incredibly cush, maybe too cush. So I am going to give the gobi a fair shake and see how it treats me bum. (ed. note....partial lap @ chickasabogue last night revealed that the wtb is going back on).

The I9/arch wheelz are the real deal. I really didn't believe the hype but after running the king/arch wheels and switching over to the I9's....they track better and offer way less flex. I make this statement because I was getting some rear tire rub with the kings and so far the I9's have been rock solid. I heard they are making road wheelz now.

I am having gearing issues still. The local terrain offers me a chance to push a slightly bigger gear (33/17), which is a taller gear than most use but I suspect Oak Mtn or something with more terrain fluctuation will force me to a 18 rear cog. We will see.

I have become a believer in ergon grips as well. They are one of those items that are heavier, uglier, etc.....but damn if they don't make riding better. No hand/wrist issues at all. Even running rigid.

More details to follow.

Pirate gone Public

A month or two ago a few local "non-conformist outlaw cyclists" decided to start a once a week early morning ride. The honest purpose of this ride was to do a different route than the normal, daily 5:15 a.m. group ride that focuses on 2 or 3 different routes with no route adjustments allowed, constant bickering, participants with sketchy handling skillz and a general snake pit of personalities, attitudes, and mindless emails and forum group posts about absolute crap.

The "once a week" ride slowly evolved into a "twice a week" ride. But it was all good. The route was determined by majority vote (which at times meant 2 in favor).

It was PERFECT.

The only issue is/was, that some mornings there were not enough people present to have a majority vote. So in that case, the TWO people that showed just had to hash the route making decision out. But ALL GOOD nonetheless.

The concept was perfect for what it was intended for: smaller, safer, less stress, with a touch of sanity thrown in for good measure.

Then the unthinkable happened. The Pirate group got ID'ed by the regular group. An email or two later and couple of the pirate group participants decided to join back up with the regular group.

Ahhhhh....bummer. It was good while it lasted.

So it's back in the woods for the couple of times a week MTB ride where the only thing you have to deal with is a mouthful of spiderwebs and possums and rabbits dancing at your pedals.

The new WHIP

Check out the new whip.......custom paint on the TREK.....WAAAAYYY better than yellow.

straight bars................................check

mirrors.........................................check

zipp 808's.....................................check

toe clips........................................check

book rack......................................check

bike lock.......................................check

euro bar tape...............................check

white saddle................................check

4" of spacers under the stem....check

pro tour domination..................next

International greeting

Against my better judgment, a few of us decided to make the trek down to Dauphin Island this weekend OTB (on the bike).

I made this journey a few years ago OTB and swore i'd never do it again. While the ride itself is relatively tame....the roads are narrow and 80% of the vehicles are pulling boats behind them. Which makes for close quarters on the road shoulders.

Almost immediately, one in the group got squeezed off the road onto the grass...which pissed me off. We trudged on. Then I had a evinrude outboard about 7" from my face. Which pissed me off.

I then hatched my plan.

When I could hear a car coming...I paused and just gave them the finger...more specifically, a slight raise of the left arm, with the middle finger extended.

Now I bet you are thinking that would be the worst thing a cyclist could do. Yeah, yeah......kill em with kindness and all that shit.

I disagree.

I truley think that the international we're #1 salute sends a clear and precise message. More particularly, it makes the bozo behind the wheel think.

Now I will be honest...Most of them honked at us or flipped us off....but they DID give us more room. Which is all I really wanted anyway.

So the next time you are feeling somewhat crowded on the road.....try flipping everyone off....it worked for us!

Offseason Training didn't take

Harsh reality set in this morning.

I have been dabbling around on the road bike the last few weeks. Mostly solo to avoid the numerous pitfalls of the local 5:15 a.m. daily circle jerk. I need not explain the numerous issues that go with that.....you can search the archives.

A surprisingly small number of folks showed up this morning for what has been, in the past, the largest group ride day of the week. Coulda been the fog.....dunno.

Anyway...I structured a new plan during the off season that I figured would put me in top form for the early spring/early morning rides.

Marlboro red's--an assload of high dollar scotch--fully leaded Budweiser (not lite)--PRESCRIPTION lortab--lots of sushi and fried stuff--beef jerky out the ass--bunch of starchy stuff for lunch throughout the winter--the list is endless.....but all the things that your rhr skyrocket.

So I was set.......I even installed some trashy,white, europoon bartape....NICE

Perhaps my greatest idea was to put a piece of black tape over the computer display. Hell, I do better when I don't know if I'm going 18 or 26 mph. It really was/is an amazing idea.

The ride was actually uneventful and although I did my usual duckout/shortcut I still felt like shit when I got home. Which is kinda what I expected.

Funny thing is.....I only recognized about 4 people....so there is definitely some new dudes rolling around....but still lots of tri geeks and aero bars and t-shirts and dueling local club kits and complete lack of sanity....so I felt pretty comfy.

I don't know how long I will honestly be able to tolerate all of the tomfoolery on the road....cuz the 29'er is still where it's at....but damn if I can ever get my shit together enough to ride the dirt at night.....seems like I'm always busy with drinkin and smokin and eatin and trippin and elevatin my rhr.

Taken from "Dickipedia.org"

Lance Armstrong
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks

Lance Armstrong (born Lance Edward Gunderson on September 18, 1971) is a retired road racing cyclist, cancer survivor, self-aggrandizer, and a dick.
It has been said that some men are born dicks while others have dickishness thrust upon them. Lance Armstrong falls into the second camp. An indisputably talented athlete with a solid work ethic and positive attitude, he is nonetheless insufferably self-content. This is demonstrated by his six-figure public-appearance fee and penchant for issuing vomitously trite motivational sound bites like “a boo is a lot louder than a cheer” and “pain is temporary, but if you quit it lasts forever.”
Contents[hide]
1 Early Life
2 Racing
3 Doping
4 Cancering
5 Personal Life
6 Post-Cycling
7 Matthew McConaughey
if (window.showTocToggle) { var tocShowText = "show"; var tocHideText = "hide"; showTocToggle(); }
[edit]
Early Life
Lance Armstrong began his dick time trials as Lance Edward Gunderson, son of Linda Gayle Mooneyham and Eddie Charles Gunderson. The two named him, for some reason, after Lance Rentzel, a middling Dallas Cowboys wide receiver best known for indecently exposing himself to a 10-year-old girl. Lance took the last name Armstrong from one of the three more husbands his mother would go on to have, astutely recognizing that he’d get a lot further in life as an Armstrong than a Gunderson.
Armstrong also goes by the nickname Mellow Johnny, adapted from “Maille Jaune,” which is French for “I use the fact that I had cancer as an excuse for doing things like taking steroids and divorcing my wife so I could nail an Olsen twin.”
[edit]
Racing
Lance Armstrong is best known for winning the Tour de France a record seven consecutive times, leading many to consider him the world’s greatest cyclist. This is a dubious distinction, considering that cycling is arguably the world’s gayest sport, evinced by the vast quantity of Spandex and the fact that so many French people love it.
To some, Armstrong’s performance in the Alps stages of the race is an incredible physical feat, on par with Indian guru Sri Chinmoy who used to lift airplanes with his penis. To detractors, it is little more than the product of continuous training, also on par with Indian guru Sri Chinmoy who used to lift airplanes with his penis.
Nevertheless, Lance Armstrong is credited with revolutionizing the sport, most notably in bringing together a wide array of sponsors to fund, train, and outfit himself. Armstrong was a pioneer in taking this NASCAR-esque approach to bike racing, only without the alcoholism and confederate flag bikinis.
In addition to rigorous training, Lance Armstrong owes his success to several outside factors, including a higher lung capacity than the average person, a 30% larger heart, and much lower levels of lactate in his blood. Also, steroids. Some critics have even gone so far as to theorize that testicular cancer actually helped him win the Tour de France, a charge based on the phenomenon that eunuchs are more aerodynamic.
Lance Armstrong officially retired from racing on July 24, 2005, at the end of the Tour de France, coincidentally just minutes before the nurse showed up to test his blood.
[edit]
Doping
Throughout his career, Lance Armstrong has continually denied using performance-enhancing drugs, an obvious indication that he has. Armstrong claims to be the “most tested athlete in the world,” having withstood various courtroom trials, official examinations, and reports by teammates, with no clear evidence of doping ever found. Many wonder why Roger Clemens never asked for consultation.
In 2005, responding to calls from the International Olympic Committee and the World Anti-Doping Agency, UCI, the world governing body of cycling, appointed Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman to conduct an independent study of Armstrong’s urine tests. He, too, found nothing, marking the first time a Dutchman was unable to find dope.
[edit]
Cancering
Like fellow dick Rudy Giuliani, Lance Armstrong is a noted survivor of “man-part carcinoma.” He has since become the public face of cancer of the balls.
Armstrong’s treatment included brain and testicular surgery, extensive chemotherapy, and even more extensive self-promotion, most notably in the form of “Livestrong” bracelets. Thanks to him, half of all Americans are still walking around with ridiculous yellow rubber bands around their wrists. (In Armstrong’s defense, would you wear a bracelet that said “Liveunderson”?)
[edit]
Personal Life
Lance Armstrong married Kristin Richard in 1998. After bearing him three children, caring for them while he spent up to half a year, every year, training in Spain, and then supporting him through major illness and recovery, Armstrong rewarded his wife by dumping her for singer-songwriter Cheryl Crow. He subsequently broke off his engagement to Ms. Crow after she was diagnosed with cancer. That, apparently, was too much of a downer for him.
In October 2007, he began dating Mary Kate Olsen. Or was it Ashley Olsen? No, it was Mary Kate. Whichever one it was, for a brief period, Armstrong was putting it to an anorexic ex-child star more than half his age. Not bad for a guy with one ball.
[edit]
Post-Cycling
Since retirement, Lance Armstrong has focused his efforts on the Lance Armstrong Foundation and other interests, such as admiring his dimples in the mirror and going on talk shows wearing a sport coat/T-shirt combo.
Lance Armstrong also ran the New York City Marathon, making him the second high-profile dick to do so after P. Diddy in 2003.
Armstrong has even publicly contemplated entering politics. On more than one occasion, he has hinted at possibly running for governor of Texas, for which he is obviously well qualified via his high school GED and a life experience limited almost entirely to riding a bike, getting chemo, and appearing in Us Weekly.
[edit]
Matthew McConaughey
By the way, he hangs out with Matthew McConaughey. All the time. They go jogging together, shirtless.
Dickipedia.org Home (all entries)
Retrieved from "http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Lance_Armstrong"

TDC Podium Girlz are dope

With the exception of some of the Giro girlz......I'd be gettin my form on early........

ode to gimme dat

I immediately thought of the infamous gimmedatbike when I was given a heads up on this little ditty...................................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3hhKVxOkSE

ROCK ON BRO

gettin ready to.......

OK....having not turned a pedal in 6 weeks has diminished my desire to keep MA updated.

Then euro/AL/Herring boy wanna be.....poon starts saying he has all these training hours in riding his trainer/mobile mega loop/or whatever bullshit he can dream up.

So I figured I need to post something before someone actually starts to believe his ass. (which is doubtful)

THEN I get word that Gimme Dat won some sort of time trail. While I question the validity of that......I'll give him props (at least he HAS been riding) (against who is a different question)

According to sources in Maryland...the green machine is due for a landing next week. I'm gonna start off rigid and see how it goes.

Since I neglected to get my "base" miles in.....I figure i'll be able to finish two laps at the 'bouge by about july......sweet!

I got a call about two weeks ago to participate in a fat tire ride with forecast temps of 22 degrees. When I had the balls to ask "why"? The answer was, and I quote...."because all the pussies riding road bikes wouldn't think of it and how cool would it be to say that you have done it?" I immediately took another swig of my kids prescription cough medicine and lit up a fatty.

Oh well.

I'll try to post later when the green machine starts going together and I get my bail out check for da govment......

Nuff Said

Bama got smoked in New Orleans.......so did I. Not everyday you run across 2 bottles of 25 year old Macallan's.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do right?