Opportunity Knocks!

I have been sitting on this post for several weeks now. I PROMISE I have.

I will be the first to admit that due to all of the "non-important" issues that I have been posting about recently, I have forgotten about a post I started weeks ago.

Then some annonyomous DOUCHEBAG questions the assassin's sexual preference. They must have forgotten that the assassin is the definition of cougar bait.

Great

Just Great

I now present to you a post that was started several weeks ago.

.....................................................................................................................................

what happened to all the señoras?????

It's a sad time in Mobile.

Seemingly all the local ladies have decided to stop riding in the mornings.

Back in the day.....we would average 3 or 4 "honey's" on our daily rides.

We'd have big one's....little one's....fast one's....slow one's....hot chickas....not-so-hot chickas....nice milf types....nubile college types....hard-core racer types....social ride only types....we had every demo covered.

Man, it was great.

Then something happened.

Now we are lucky to pull one.

Of course I'd imagine with all the squirrel bag, circus clowns we have riding now.....it's probably better that they don't show up. Can't really say I blame them.

But it was fun to ride with the girls.

You could always motor up to them and chat. And they always provided insights on the ride that the hairy backs, t-shirts and tri-geeks didn't think about.

So ladies......we miss ya......come see us.

AS REQUESTED

Dear MA,

You definitely need to comment on the need for a ban on the shorty(**** ******* style) shorty shorts in your next issue. There was a guy wearing some gay looking shorts this morning that made ***** blush. Also the tshirts continue to make unannounced sudden lane changes that cause my HRM to spike.

OK....here is the deal....the above request was sent to me from an un-named source who raises a legitimate concern. The names of the guilty parties have been removed to protect those who MAY be feeling guilty about this rather horrific breach of cycling etiquette.

There are a few steadfast rules that apply to ALL group rides. I won't rehash the obvious "rules" of group riding.

But one thing is FOR CERTAIN. There is a rule concerning acceptable cycling shorts length. That rule is that the bottom of your shorts should be within a "few" inches of your knee.

An easier way to state it.... your shorts should end closer to your knees than your nutz. We have a few repeat offenders of this rule and we are not going to take it anymore.

At times the tri-geeks show up in shorty shorts and while this is completely un-nerving to most, I have found that the tri-geeks go against the grain anyway. To be fair, we have tri-geeks who also comply with the shorts length rule.

Of course the women can wear any length shorts they desire.....in fact, the shorter the better.

CRAZY FROM THE HEAT

I swear the cyclists in town have gone mad.

People getting ALL pissed off at everything.

In the last couple of weeks we have gone from a quaint little tight-knit group of respectful cyclists to a kamikaze group of two wheel terrors.

I mean we have groups going at each other........ people not showing up for rides because they think others will be there........guys that ride treks not showing up on some days cuz the guys that ride cannondales show up.......groups starting new rides cuz one ride is too fast.....factions starting new rides because they don't like what someone wrote in their silly blog.....the tri-geeks don't want to ride with the racer heads......the girls don't want to ride with the boys.......singlespeed dudes don't want to ride with the multi geared guys.......and on and on.

Hell, the assassin has been accused of it as well. But I have extended the olive branch to the offended party and offered my soul as sacrifice. Done strictly as a gesture of goodwill for all things cycling.

It seems to happen a couple of times a year. Like gang warfare or something. The crips get pissed at the bloods and then they start talking about killin' one another.

SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM???

I think I have uncovered the catalyst:

1. Cyclists are by nature......crybabies.

Simply put, we have to defend our right to ride on the same roads as cars. Which in turn puts ALL cyclists on the defensive ALL the time. In our area specifically, cyclist get no respect from motorists. On every ride some jackass in a car will get too close, yell, or do some other moronic thing to create peril for cyclists. I think that in turn pits the cyclist against each other in some form or fashion.

People just don't have time for that kind of shit and they don't want to hear it.

So here is my advice. Guaranteed to be commented on by all the commenter's who have the funky little names.

Grow a backbone.....leave your sensitivity at home cuz the world is NOT against you.....strap on your helmet.....put on your jersey (any jersey).....AND RIDE BABY RIDE.....

public service announcement......this is one persons opinion....this blog IS NOT directed at ANY particular group......it represents a comment on the general condition of the local peleton and is in no way an indictment of anyone.....if you don't like it or if it offends you in any way......simply don't read it

Refresher for the T-shirts

Know it, learn it, live it:


Road cyclists are the biggest sandbaggers and secret trainers around. They’ll say anything to soften you up for the kill.

Don’t let this happen to you.

Study this handy rider’s phrasebook to find out what they really mean when they say:

“I’m out of shape.”
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven’t missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

“I’m not into competition. I’m just riding to stay in shape.”
Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post and spray energy drink in your eyes.

“I’m on my beater bike.”
Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a fart and costs more than a divorce.

“It’s not that hilly.”
Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you’ll fall over backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here’s the name of my knee surgeon.

“You’re doing great, honey.”
Translation: Yo, lard azz, I’d like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter decorating and eating chocolate. I should married that cute Cat 1 racer when I had the chance.

“This is a no-drop ride.”
Translation: I’ll need an article of your clothing for the search and rescue dogs.

“It’s not that far.”
Translation: Bring your passport.

"Do you wear underwear under those tight shorts?"

Translation: Only if you want to be the subject of someones blog.

Source: Elvis

A WELCOME REALITY CHECK

Ahhhhhh....justice was served today.

And I'm all giddy about it.

Seems the ORIGINAL cat. 1 local superstud decided to show up and toy with the peleton today.

I'm somewhat sketchy on the history of this dude but he supposedly used to live in town and moved away to press his wares in france. (purposely not capitalized mind you)

Anyway, the local racerboy misfits were all worked up in a lather upon the news of his arrival. Our seasoned veterans were clamoring around like 3rd graders before an Easter egg hunt.


The tri geeks were decked out with their sleeveless tri tops and the racerboy's were sporting their deep section wheels. Classic stuff.


Sure enough, out of the parking lot, the local royalty hits the front surrounding Larry the Legend like he was in yellow entering Paris.


Everyone was seen pointing out potholes and barking "car back". And this shit NEVER happens during a normal ride.


The paceline was running smoothly and pace was kept high enough to keep the t-shirts dangling at the back where they were not too much of a threat.


It was a beautiful thing.

As we approached and stayed at the 27 mph mark, the group began stretching out. As I peeled off I last saw a couple of the tri-geeks buried in their aero-bars keeping it steady, racerheads in the drops with their gameface on.........while the legend was effortlessly spinning along.


I'm not sure of the exact outcome at the finish of the ride but rumor has it that Larry Legend dropped em' all on the last hill.


Way to go bro.........see ya next year.

SHOCKER

Word is....Disco is out....Disco is dead....


Cycling News Flash for August 10, 2007
Discovery disbands
Tailwind Sports confirms team's end
By Laura Weislo
Tailwind Sports has announced the end of the Discovery Channel Pro Cycling Team today, confirming rumours that cropped up when the team failed to announce a new sponsor after winning the Tour de France. The team was given notice that the Discovery Channel would not renew its sponsorship back in February, leading to a long and intensive search for a replacement sponsor.


So are you telling me that LANCE can't get on the horn and hustle up some sponsors? He can't co-sponsor them himself? Or does he want to distance himself from something?


HMMMMMMMMM.........WHY WOULD LANCE WANT TO STEER CLEAR OF THE TEAM THAT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR "HELPING" HIM WRAP UP 7 IN A ROW?


I mean it is not like they don't have the defending tdf champ(for now) and the 3rd place guy on the roster now. What about master tactician (wink,wink) Bruyneel? We're not talking about a bunch of cat. 3 hacks and masters class wannabee's.

Hey Johan, I think Rabobank needs a DS.


This whole thing smells like a half-pint basque shitbag.


People pulling out left and right.

And just wait for the Floyd deal to come out. He is going down too.
He will be riding huffy's in the downtown Peoria summer crit series next year. Huffing around on fumes mumbling about his "fairness fund".

Better sell your Trek stock, 08 sales just went down the shitter.

ON BEING A GIVER

Everyone likes to win. Everyone likes to be spared from the wind. Very few people can ride at the front the entire ride. (at least around these parts)

Problem is, most folks are TAKERS, not GIVERS.

Take Chris Horner for example. Classic example of a giver. He pulls Cadel all over France and when the timing is right, Cadel TAKES from Horner. Of course Horner is paid to give. But that doesn't make it right. Horner is arguably the the strongest domestic pedaler of the bike. He possesses a strong motor. He has also paid his dues. He has been involved in most of the failed domestic pro teams. Teams that have folded without paying the riders. That kind of shit. But Horner still gives.

Point being.......we have too many takers around here. TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

You know the kind I am talking about. Types that always complain, bitch, moan about everything. The kind that will gladly drink all your beer, eat all your food, talk about you behind your back, borrow your shit and not give it back. TAKE,TAKE,TAKE.

Another example.....dude sits in at the back all day and gets pulled around town in the group ride. Then when it comes time to sprint up the last hill at the end of the ride.....dude comes alive and jets up the hill. Then has the balls to post something after the ride complaining about how slow the ride was and how shitty everyone rides. TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

The kind of guy who will gladly use you up and then have the nerve to bitch about it. Not just on the bike either. He runs around thinking he has IT. He is IT.

God forbid you are riding alone with him and YOU happen to have a flat. He won't stop.

If HE has a flat, he will gladly TAKE your last tube. Cuz he is too lazy to bring his own stuff. He would also ask you to change it. TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

Another taker move.

Dude goes into the LBS to "try" on a new pair of cycling shoes. Dude makes sure he i.d.'s the right size and then bolts. The following week dude has a shiny new pair of shoes. But he bought them from Nashbar with his 50% off coupon. And then he expects LBS to "get right on" a problem he has with his freehub body the next day. TAKE, TAKE, TAKE.

To be fair......we do have givers. Not many, but a few. Guys (or gals) that will gladly give you an extra water bottle if you forget yours. Or at the mid-way regroup point give you a buck to buy some ice cream or preperation h if so desired. So my hats is off to all the GIVERS.

We need a few more like ya!

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN

Ahhhhhh.......don't ya just love the dog days of summer?


In our parts......as the kids get ready to go back to school and the temps still hover around 95 degrees at dusk......the t-shirts and the skinsuits start getting a hair testy.

I wish I had the space in this blog to copy and paste the remarks dedicated to what the "authorities" had to say about "fixing" all the problems with our group rides.

Suffice to say.....it'll give you boils on the ass.....bad.

I'll break it down for you in a nutshell:

"why was the ride so fast this morning....man we were going 28mph out of the parking lot.....the t-shirts were letting gaps open up all over the place....dude on the mtn. bike was only going 16mph....i thought tuesdays were the fast days....why won't they just let the fred go off the front if he wants to ride so hard every day....look at all the treks....how come no one ever say's "car back anymore"....check out dude in the purple helmet....where has ralph been lately, is he still in jail?....if he is going to ride with us he needs a better light....check out dude in the retro postal kit....think how hot she would be if she had some bolt-on's....attention everyone, there will be a group ride etiquette seminar at the lbs on wed. night (seriously)....this is how we did it bitd....hey, lets start a new ride on fri....hey, lets start a new TEAM so we can all ride together....i hear bill is doing jacks wife, canubelieveit??....dude, i think steve is doping, he NEVER goes up university hill that fast"......

Get the picture?

If I were a beginning cyclist and I were exposed to this kind of adolescent bs it would take me about 3 rides to pick another hobby like golf or rockclimbing.

And the ironic thing is some of the chief instigators are reasonably intelligent people. On the surface anyway.

You should see the debate that occurs when someone suggests a new route to get the existing ride on some fresh pavement or to get around some detour. Most would prefer Bin Laden rewrite the constitution. Or claim that lance doped. (gasp)

So the next time someone shows up at your local ride with and ipod.....ride over and give em a kiss.....you could be here.

MASS HYSTERIA

Seems like it is currently en vogue for the local bloggers to rail against the local cycling scene.

If someone from outside the area were to spend a week or two and catch every group ride they would see an interesting group of rides and riders.

At the end of those two weeks they would gladly go home and count themselves lucky to: (A) survive Mobile cycling unharmed (B) not be an alcoholic (C) be back home amongst the normal

Yeah....I know....every town has their
idiosyncratic cycling groups.....right??????

During your 2 week visit you would encounter a 50+ rider turnout at the local AAB Saturday ride. Then you would experience the 4-5 rider (recently) semi-regionally famous Rooster Ride every Tuesday at 5:15 A.M.

Mixed between the two you will find no-drop rides....you will be dropped rides....hilly rides....flat rides......rides with single speed guys......rides with tri-geeks....rides with hot chicks....rides with no chicks......rides with felons......rides with cops.....rides with posers.....rides with state champions......rides with t-shirts.....rides with pro tour jerseys.......you name it, we got it.

That being said....there is one constant........get ready for some complaining. Complaining after EVERY ride.

Some people complain during the ride......some after the ride......and then it spreads though each "group's" online forum. Where everyone posts an opinion. Then everyone has to comment on the others opinion.

But alas, each late fall early winter the vicious cycle ends.

By then the racers who continually push the pace ALL year long have gotten tired of finishing in the bottom 10 of EVERY race because their legs have been fried for a couple of MONTHS.

The t-shirts and rec riders are tired of it all and just don't like to ride when it gets cold.

So everyone just hangs it up for a month or so.

Come early spring the racers and the t-shirts strap it on again.

The racers do great for the first few races cuz they ramp it up straight from the beginning. The t-shirts start bitching cuz the pace is so strong. Group rides stretch out for miles. Racers are running 28mph in January and the t-shirts are running 15mph.

So come on down and get a taste of the scene. I'll have the vodka and beer waiting cuz you'll need it.

DAMN........I'M HARD

from http://www.velonews.com/
CSC joins wristband-wagonTeam CSC has joined the wristband bandwagon this year, but it sports an interesting slogan that isn't raising money for a charity or some do-good organization.Instead, the letters across the black plastic wristband underscore the team's philosophy in this year's Tour: "Harden the Fuck Up.""Stuart (O'Grady) brought them for the team in London and asked everyone to wear them," said Team CSC rider Frank Schleck. "If it's tough, we look at the wristband and we do what it says. When it gets hard, you harden up. So far it's worked pretty good."

Wonder if O'Grady was wearing that band when he tried to sever his torso in half in the TDF????

STOP IT ALREADY

TOOL

TOOLBOX

I will forgo the easy mark that is/was the "scandal" of the 2007 TDF.
You can read plenty about that elsewhere.

Let us not forget that the frenchies still suck.

I mean the TDF is a spectacle all into itself but i'd wager that if ALL the french riders were allowed to dope.......they would still figure out a way to ass it up.
I can see it now.......all the frenchies are bulldozing to a 1, 2, 3 finish in Paris and a french farmer lets his cow step out in front of the leaders as they enter the Champs-Elysees....taking them all out.

I can appreciate all the dedication and effort that goes into racing in the TDF. Hell, my hat is off to the guys that finish it.
But I am unable to tolerate French riders, events organizers, fans, nor inhabitants of the country anymore.
After the disaster that was the 2007 Tour De France, I propose that some other country (Spain or Germany for example) just take the damn TDF from the french and continue to run it all over France. Possibly have an obligatory stage or two in Spain and throw Belgium a bone or two.
Think about it. The Tour De France presented by Spain co-sponsored by Volkswagon and run in France.
Hey France......maybe next year.